Breath-taking

Every so often, I take a wee notion for some M&S grub. Today I fancied smoked salmon and cream cheese parcels and I thought a bread roll would go well with that, along with a wee side salad. I headed for the bakery bit at the back of the food hall, where I found a young woman customer standing in front of where the paper bags are kept. I waited patiently. She was doing something to the pink donuts. Her nose was about three inches from the food. It took me a minute to realise she was digging under the top layer of donuts. She had actually destroyed a few donuts in order to get to the next layer down.

She realised I was staring (and not in a nice way either, let me be honest). She straightened up, donut on the end of her tongs, and said with a smile: 'I don't want one somebody else has breathed on.' Well, what can you say? I said: 'The only person breathing on the food here is you.' She glowered and stalked off to the checkout.

I don't blame her. Well, I do. She was behaving like a pig, poking about in the food with no thought for other customers. But really the blame lies with the supermarkets who display their food this way.

And it is only supermarkets: go to your local deli or to a branch of Gregg's and you'll find the food under glass or on the other side of the store away from the customers. Environmental Health insist on that. For some reason, most supermarkets want us to think we're foraging for our food. Who knows how often your 'fresh' bakery produce has been coughed and sneezed on before you pick it up 'hygienically' with a set of tongs?

Supermarkets also want to save money on staffing, so service is now a dirty word. I was in Asda Toryglen on Saturday where more than half the checkouts are now self-service. There are people in the bread area of most supermarkets. (I cannot bring myself to call this area a bakery). These people are there to bake stuff - that's the lovely smell that wafts through the store - not to serve you and me.

At least Lidl are honest: they don't staff their bakery area. The baking is done by an automatic machine. The staff just have to place the goods in the baskets. But if you have a gluten intolerance, avoid Lidl's baked goods. I don't know what kind of flour they use but it's bad news for anyone with a dicky gut.

I'm in the lucky position of living near Whole Foods, where I can actually see the bread being kneaded by real bakers. And, more importantly, I can afford to buy the baked goods in Whole Foods.

Mind you, a long time ago I worked in a bread factory and I know what goes into a plain loaf - a helluva lot of saltpetre since you ask - and I am also prepared to buy that.