You're joking, Ambassador

Dear Nigel,

We have received your application via Mr Trump for the post of Her Majesty's Ambassador to the United States and we thank you for your expression of interest.

As you no doubt know, we already have one of those in post. He's been doing okay and tends to have the kind of qualifications HM government is looking for.

First of all, he's very experienced. He was recruited to the Foreign and Commonwealth straight from university a long time ago and has represented the UK in embassies all over the world since then.

Secondly, he's not a politician. And he's definitely not a banker. He's a diplomat. That means he's subtle, clever and wise. Three things I'm afraid you are not. He's pretty well paid for the responsibility he has, but he doesn't make money on the side. (You might want to mention to Mr Trump next time you see him that we regard using your own hotel as a headquarters when you're president of the USA as a bit infra dig). We also don't expect our ambassadors to fiddle their expenses or to be found hanging on to a pint of lager at the bar and passing out the Silk Cut to all comers.

Thirdly, like all our ambassadors, our man in the USA is not expected to go around rabble-rousing. In fact, we recruit staff - male and female - who are the very opposite of trouble-makers. We expect them to get on well with our allies and do their best to win over our enemies. We might think twice about appointing a woman to the USA job while Mr Trump is in the post of president. Ahem. And we can't see our man in Washington standing in front of Congress telling our allies' most senior politicians they are useless layabouts who've never done a day's work in their lives. That didn't go down well with the doctors, lawyers and university professors of the EU parliament and we don't think it's what we need for the US either.

We understand you still have a job at the EU. We would like to suggest very respectfully that so long as the voters elect you and the EU pay you, you should maybe turn up in Brussels once in a while, attend the odd committee meeting and represent your country's interests there. You never know, you might get to quite like it.